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Thursday, August 7th, 2008
1:26 pm - There ain't no second chance against the thing with forty eyes
Which is why you should grab this first chance and come to the concert I'll be in next Thursday!

The skinny

When: Thursday August 14th, 2008, 8:30 PM

Where: The Tranzac Club (Bloor and Brunswick)

What: A pretty awesome concert of dance-y music by AM (www.musicbyam.com), rock music by various famous peoples (hello, Led Zeppelin), and assorted other things. All of which will be fantastic. Marty (if you know him) will be rocking out on the Hammond B3 and Synth Pipe Organ with foot pedals oh yes, there will be trumpets and saxophones, and 'beautiful dancing backup singers', of which I am one.

Why: Because it will be a really great show (don't let my involvement deceive you, pretty much everyone on stage is an exceptional musician, most of them are pros) and because I will be in it, and dancing like an idiot when not on stage, if not on stage, too. If nothing else, come to point and laugh at me.

Also, Thriller.

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Wednesday, June 27th, 2007
4:27 pm - People to miss
I have been having little bouts of sadness over the fact that my friend and partner in Greek-and-Latin-crime, Branimir, has carried himself off to Europe, where he will start his grad studies in Math at Germany in September. Where in the world am I going to find another person who would go to the trouble of concocting the following excessively-wordy joke for me, because I appear to be feeling down?

And I quote:

"Ὦ Μερεδί, I feel strangely compelled to console you with the following dumb "joke":

So in a parallel universe, there forms a certain religion, greatly resembling Christianity, called Dith.

And then, after 15 centuries, it really starts to disintegrate in to all manner of denominations, in the course of the Dithian counterpart of the Protestant Reformation.

And then finally, some 2000 years after the founding of Dith, the Dithian equivalent of C.S. Lewis comes into his own.

And so, were the Dithian C.S. Lewis to write, as a sort of œcumenical gesture, a book outlining what he viewed as the basic common ground of Dithian belief, what would it be called?"

If you don't get it, just google C.S. Lewis. Or maybe Indigo/Amazon him.

Me? I just love "...in the course of the Dithian counterpart of the Protestant Reformation."

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Friday, May 11th, 2007
4:55 pm - Lemonade
Here is part of a verse from The Sporting Life, by the Decemberists:

'There's my coach, he's looking down
The disappointment in his knitted brow
"I should have known" he thinks again
"I never should have put him in."
He turns to load the lemonade away'

Anna misheard the last line as "He turns the loaves of lemonade away", part of the coach's speech. That is to say: "I never should have put him in. He [is so bad that he] turns the loaves of lemonade away."

And I misheard her mishearing as 'he turns to loath the lemonade: "Away!"'

I love the Decemberists dearly, but I think that The Sporting Life might be even better if the coach was either despairing at Colin Meloy's ability to cause even 'loaves of lemonade' to flee, or if he was so angry at his team's loss that he turned to the closest object -- a canteen of lemonade -- and began cursing it.

This post is lovingly dedicated to Kyla, who probably doesn't read her (or anyone's) LiveJournal anymore, but with whom I've shared a lot of lemonade and many unintentionally hilarious mishearings.

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Thursday, April 26th, 2007
12:17 pm - Let the vitriol flow
This is all coming out now, I suppose, because I feel like I have maybe reached some kind of breaking point.

I have had it with feeling like a second-class human being next to my sister who cannot even bring her high and mighty self to attend high school. This is it. I won't take her condescension, her rudeness, her total disregard for everyone around her. When we came back from visiting my grandfather last week Marty picked us up at the airport and I took her out for dinner and she never even thought to thank either of us, but she glared at us because we were in the living room and therefore prevented her from eating crackers and watching tennis. (Even though, really, there is now a second TV downstairs. So what on earth?)

I am sick of only ever hearing my father talk about what great things Anna is doing. Marty and I ran into him at the Market on Saturday and without even asking me how I was -- maybe, you know, how my exams are going? -- he launched into talking about how she was at a debate that morning and how great she was because, you know, even though she didn't go to school yesterday she went at lunch for the debate meeting. Well, isn't that great. She's almost doing the bare minimum of what a student is supposed to do. She's a miracle all right. I only go to all my classes, go to work, help run a choir, do my schoolwork and cook meals. (But I don't debate.)

I had a dream the other night that I told my dad -- after all these years -- that it upset me that he only seems to delight in her -- because, oh, does it ever cut to the core of me -- and in my dream he ignored me and kept looking past me to her, and all through the dream I tried to get him to even listen to me, to register that I was upset and he didn't notice, until finally I started crying, and then Marty woke me up in alarm because it turned out I was sobbing loudly in my sleep. It had felt so real. But it was slightly better once I was awake and knew that it had been just a dream, and Marty held me and I fell back to sleeping and felt like maybe someone actually did think that I was worth something.

I've spent the last three -- or is it four? -- years buying into the belief that my sister's inability to deal with school was simply because she was so brilliant, that it was really school failing to live up to the standards that she deserved. Implicit in this is a statement that I am ordinary because I woke up every morning and went to class. I have accepted that it is all everyone else's fault: the girls who were mean to her in grade 8, her friends who just aren't at smart as her and therefore can't relate to her. And I think: I had no friends through all of grade 8. I was ostracized by every other girl in my class, made fun of, listened to them obviously insult my work, in front of me, in Chinese so that I couldn't really know. I didn't go out once the whole year. I came home every day and cried, silently so no one would know, and washed my face before going downstairs to eat dinner. And I didn't even know that anything was wrong. I thought it was just normal that I felt so abandoned. When I mention this to my parents, years later, they brush it aside because, well, I still functioned so it wasn't really bad, right?

During that year Anna -- 9 at the time -- made fun of the fact that her friends were always phoning her but no one ever phoned for me.

I just want some recognition. That maybe I have accomplished something, too.

My resentment at feeling overshadowed by her leaves me unable to properly sympathize for her, if she needs sympathy. This scares me.

I have put up with statements from my dad like "Oh, Meredith was never good at math -- she just studied a lot", or "well, I see your chemistry mark is lower than the rest -- they must actually expect you to work in that class" when I brought home my 93% average report card in Grade 12. And then he coos over Anna going to school during lunch for a debate meeting even though she skips all her classes.

All through dinner, the night that Marty picked us up, Anna insulted me, reminding me how she was stronger than me when we were younger, or how I got good marks but no one seemed to care. She knows every button to push and she goes for them. I am always unsure how to react in the face of these onslaughts. I am pretty sure that I am not supposed to show that she is destroying me, but all I can do is try and laugh it off and let her walk all over me.

I am uncertain.

I think I might be worth something. But if my dad doesn't seem to think so, how could it really be true?

And I want to love my sister and my father -- because I do -- but I can't separate them from the hurt they cause me, and I don't know how to.

And you hear: "How am I going to make it right?"

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Friday, February 23rd, 2007
4:02 pm - hell. in a handbasket, going to
Bluenotes is selling mens' t-shirts that read "No means have aNOther drink" across the front.

Normally I tend to ignore instances of corporate idiocy -- I didn't make a decision to boycott abercrombie&fitch when they started selling thongs with suggestive sayings on them to preteens, as stupid as that was -- but this is just a whole other level of offensive. It moves beyond the general hypersexualization (a la a&f) that I tend to just roll my eyes at into a brave new world of being actively socially EVIL. I swear. What is it point? All the shirts with suggestive sayings on them -- well, maybe one could argue that they represent a more sexually liberated society (not that I would, but one could if they so wished) but... playing on date rape? I'm being shocked into activism. Bluenotes, Stitches, Suzy Shier, Urban Planet, Sirens and Siblings -- all the stores run by the Bluenotes company -- are all now stores I will actively avoid.

Here's the story in the Globe: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/LAC.20070217.SHIRT17/TPStory/National

and here is Bluenotes' contact info, if, like me, you're appalled and you know it and you really wanna show it:
Head Office: 100 Dufflaw Rd. Toronto ON, M6A 2W1
Phone number: 416-789-6999
Fax number: 416-789-1576

(with thanks to Kristina for letting me know about this)

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Saturday, December 30th, 2006
2:29 am
It has been a nice Christmas break!

We had a proper Christmas breakfast complete with grapefruit -- which I have been missing for years -- and then some serious turkey dinner. We also played Dictionary (because we're dorks) and Trivial Pursuit (because we remain dorks). That was Christmas. Boxing day was spent in London visiting my aunt, and then on the 27th Marty picked me up and we went to his parent's house in Charing Cross. (Which, if you are interested, is near Chatham). His parents are the super-doting type, which was really what I needed: after months and months of always being busy and never getting away, to spend a few days sitting around being fed was perfect. We were only planning to stay one night but realised midway through the 28th that we really wanted nothing more than to continue lazing around doing nothing. We played more Trivial Pursuit with his sister and her boyfriend, played half a game of Monopoly, and watched Nacho Libre. We drank a lot of wine and sat on couches. I haven't been able to do this (without feeling guilty) in a long time.
Much to our mutual suprise, we weren't sick of one another by the time we returned to Toronto today. How disgustingly sweet, hmm?

I answered some emails today. Tomorrow I'm getting a new debit card and maybe rescuing my bike. I think I'll also translate some Catullus, just for shits and giggles of the Latin variety.

For those of you whom I have been neglecting... I'm sorry I suck so much at the social thing. Eep.

Merry Belated Christmas, everyone... and an early Happy New Year.

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Thursday, December 21st, 2006
11:33 am
Today got off to a rip-roaring start when I fell down the steps leading from our back porch to our patio. Oh, Meredith. Ever so graceful.

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Saturday, December 16th, 2006
7:52 pm - Latest and greatest quote about me:
"Just -- what are you apologizing for? It's not your fault -- there's nothing to evenb apologize for... I don't get-- my god, I would swear that you were raised Catholic, even though I know you weren't."

Ahaha. It's so true. I've inherited all the Catholic guilt my agnostic, lapsed-Anglican/Episcopalian family could find. Which was a decently large amount, apparently.

In other news: gosh are certain parts of life ever good!

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Wednesday, December 6th, 2006
6:57 pm - Update (alas)
Logistically, I am now able to move out except for one little factor: I might not have a place to move to anymore, since there's another girl maybe interested in the same place and she needs to move more than I do. So I hear.

I'm at once relieved and frustrated. We'll see what happens. I'm fortunate, though, that both outcomes are completely 'do-able' as far as I'm concerned...

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Friday, December 1st, 2006
3:05 am - so long time
temporarily back... in the midst of essay writing. So busy this year. No time for lush sentences.

It is being suggested that I move out. Not by parents, of course. Others. One other. And myself. My friends need a roommate starting January, until May. It could be a 4-month test run, but I don't have enough cash to swing it. Maybe... maybe I can make it work. Money possibilities are being explored.

My dad argues that it's a huge expenditure of money just to live closer to campus. And it does seem fiscally irresponsible in a way -- all the money I save on rent could go to something tangible, or at least something bigger. But Marty pointed out tonight: there's something learned by moving out that you can't acquire otherwise. So maybe I would get something more -- something lasting -- for all my money. I tell myself that if I save all this money I can run off to Europe when I'm finished with school (now in a 5-year plan) but maybe the truth is that I'll never have the guts or the smarts to run anywhere until I can trust myself to run 12 km away and set up a life somewhat of my own with my parents watching underneath.

Or is this all just justification for not having to commute an hour every morning? I have 9 AM class next term and I'm not looking forward to it. Maybe it's romantic to think that I'll 'learn' anything. Except, perhaps, that I know myself less well than I think I do, again.

And then there's the issue of the keyboard, but that's for another thinking-time.

Christ. I feel like I *need* to do this. How absurd.

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Wednesday, November 1st, 2006
3:05 am
And U of T is making this nigh on impossible

It's 3:00 AM (I must be lonely) and I want to sleep instead of reading Seneca's advice on how to treat my slaves

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Friday, October 27th, 2006
1:36 am
I bought a new phone.
I am alarmed by the fact that the instruction manual needs to include the following prohibition:
"Don't try to dry your phone in a microwave oven"

I mean... really? This is an issue?

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Friday, October 6th, 2006
1:31 am
Time goes by so slow and so fast. Was it only three weeks ago? Has it really been three weeks? Since what -- I'm not sure. I was looking at facebook commenting statistics. It's nothing profound here, friends.

I went to Gargoyle production night tonight. I got there late. Pizza and beer were gone but I was full of m&m's so maybe it didn't matter. People argued about editorial direction and whether or not they should print non-funny jokes about Yom Kippur. I stayed out of range and glued down articles. Glueing is fun. My hands smell like arts & crafts circa grade 3. There was more arguing. Yom Kippur was axed amidst grumbling from our most outrageous coffee vendor and irrational personal jabs were added. More arguing ensued and the whole section was cut. RIP, Cheers and Jeers? I hope not.

I guess maybe I'm lucky -- I'm inoffensive enough to show up everywhere. I'm not really a Gargoyle-girl. They want help archiving, though, and I can archive. La. So I get to turn up and play with gluesticks on blue-lined paper and watch the faultlines from the inside. To the outsiders -- esp. the Lit, the 'other' -- the Garg is a united front of cynicism. Inside, they're all fighting. No one is really certain what they're willing to say and what they're not. It's the same issue that plagues everyone -- where does freedom of expression end and pointless hate or stupidity begin? -- but who knew it plagued the newspaper notorious for crossing all boundaries? A red-shifted debate, every two weeks in the F basement.

Historical identity is a funny beast: it can be a pillar of strength or it can be a crushing weight. They want me to let them know what I find in their piles of archives. I already have a sense; it won't help them. The Garg of today has nothing in common with the award-winning student newspaper of the 1950's, when they published serious debates over the issue of female students and gowns. (Could they be allowed to show up to class in normal clothing, not academically gowned?) The only diachronic thread is the name, and the vague sense of rebellion or strangeness that comes with the association: gargoyle. Twisted.

It's a student newspaper; they can do what they will. If they can decide.

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Sunday, September 17th, 2006
4:15 am - Another year
Another Red and White Ball
Another $50 black dress from H&M

Last year I was housesitting for neighbours of my parents' friends. I remember, George drove me 'home' to there; a good thing at 3:00 or whenever it was. It was a beautiful night. We came out the hobbit door and the moon was shining in the west above us. I was in a state: I came home and wrote this. I was also exhausted -- thus the typing errors. I was sad and confused and felt rejected; I felt I was spinning away from my friends, that the end of the summer signalled the end of a whole world for me, as it were. I was scared. I felt adrift most of the evening.

So it's funny to be sitting here in this year's dress, at my aunt's house, having been driven here by the ever-lovely Lynn. The clock is flashing forward. I feel funny but I feel okay. I was too busy tonight to feel empty; too rushed to feel lonely. I never would have thought.

Last year I felt acutely heartbroken and rejected, and I loved in just as acute a way -- it was all desperate and piercing. I needed, I wanted. I feel I love more sweetly this year, with greater comfort. My life is busy and scary and still with sadness, but not the same clawing desperation of last year.

That cats have started wailing. Perhaps it's time to try for a bit of sleeping, before the trains come and rush by my bedroom window.

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Friday, August 4th, 2006
3:21 am - state of emergency
Fine. Whatever.

Still weirdly freaking out over the absence of my parents (and less weirdly freaking out over the presence of one giant beetle in my room) I phone Clint. With some vague anticipation of comfort, or at least distraction and amusement.

Instead, pieced together from distracted sentences spoken as he rode his bike around Toronto (the wind sounded like static omnipresent) I suddenly figure out 'Oh. You're attempting to tell me that you've decided to move to Vancouver at the end of the month. Not visit. Move.'


At which point everything just overwhelmed me. Stupid summer that isn't. I'm sick of dealing with stressful work (too many assignments and too little time) and draining conductor searches and class and constant meetings and commuting and not being able to register for courses and spending a month investgating why I recieved a mark 20% lower than it should have been (hello, transcription error) and still not getting everything done and not practicing Greek OR Latin and I just need my parents back home so that they can comfort me, dammit. Because I never see anyone else.

Today Dave asked me if I was ever going to return to LJ. I kind of doubt this is the return any of you might have hoped for. I'm sorry.

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1:08 am - Where'd the independence go?
My parents (who are off in BC for a few days) have been gone for... 8 hours, tops -- and I've already seriously considered phoning them and telling them that I need them to come home, now.

Anyone want to babysit a basketcase? I can... be kind of entertaining, sometimes.

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Monday, June 26th, 2006
7:23 am - Emerging cam-whore
My friends

As these 'artfully' blurred photos intimate, my hair has recently been disguised as a bowl of President's Choice rainbow sherbet. I am travelling incognito these days.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Pink!Collapse )

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Friday, June 23rd, 2006
2:56 pm
Bolero is on the radio at work.
And I got adequate sleep last night for the first time in months.

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Tuesday, June 20th, 2006
8:59 am
In the wise words of my sister:
Our front yard is covered with tree.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

I think it's trying to eat our house.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

I guess our tree and that megally large branch had some sort of disagreement which could only be solved by a violent separation, leading to the branch taking up residence on our front lawn. I think we're going to evict him, though.

So that was awesomely exciting yesterday. Who knows what today will bring?

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Thursday, May 18th, 2006
11:38 pm - I've been told this excludes me from membership in the 'not terribly good' club
And then, to revel a little:
4.0 this year, baby.

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